Sadly it has struck.
I don’t think I’ll be getting any of my reading goals accomplished this month. To be honest my mental health has not been in a good place these past few months and I’ve only managed to complete my goal the last 2 months because of the encouragement of my lovely and supportive husband-to-be.
I’ve been under immense stress to the point of several panic attacks. I’ve been working two retail jobs since October, and they gave me good hours so 60 to 70 hours a week has been normal. I’ve been getting sick frequently and can’t seem to figure out what is causing it, so far my theory is possible gluten intolerance but we’ll see. My jeep quit on me and has to be scraped as no one here will even attempt to fix it; the frame snapped from years of rust and rot as it was driven in Maine the last 17 years where they salt and sand the roads heavily in the winter. I’ve been trying to scrape together the funds for a new car just so I can get to and from work. I had to give up the job I loved (Bookseller at Barnes & Noble) in order to take up the offer of more hours and a large raise from the other job (Superlo Foods) simply because it’s closer to home and easier to find transportation to and from until this situation is settled. I’m moving in 5 days to live with my sister-in-law because we can’t afford the rent here and need to save up a bit to get back on our feet. And of course, because I work so much, I don’t have a day off until the day we move so all of the packing is sporadic at best. (My other sister-in-law is a blessing and is helping every chance she can get). I’m missing my family back home in Maine tremendously, and I have yet to meet my beautiful niece, Aria, even though she is 7 months already because I couldn’t afford to travel back home during the holidays when my brother and his family had military leave to visit. I’ve had most of my tax refund pulled away for debts to the state. I have to start the paperwork for Chapter 7 bankruptcy because my abusive ex put me 45 THOUSAND dollars in debt to credit card companies and unless I press charges I can’t claim it as fraud but I don’t have the time or funds for lawyers at this point….. So….. yea. I think I got everything laid out on the proverbial table here…
Reading is my passion, my heart, my one true love (after my husband-to-be of course). And yet with all of this and my struggle with depression and anxiety weighing me down, I can’t even find the energy or desire to pick up a book, let alone read it… I’ve had thoughts swirling around in my head that scare me sometimes but I’m staying as strong as I can and leaning on my love for support… but it gets to be too much sometimes and I feel frozen like a deer in headlights and can’t seem to get myself moving again. It’s a real struggle some days just to get up and act like everything isn’t pushing me to my knees.
TL;DR version: I haven’t been reading because life sucks and all I want to do is sleep.